unresolved; that's all my life has ever been.

as soon as i think i found the void for these holes, it gets ripped back out and i'm bare flesh again.

five years ago, i had a chance to make this right. i was young and i was strong. everything that had been a hurricane through my life could be rebuilt, and better. i could have lost my titles if only i had cared enough. if only simple acts that i saw as harmless were avoided. i ruined it. ruined everything.

i had sex when i didn't even know how to love. i did it over and over again. every bad experience with it made me want it more. i was dying. no one even saw. no one even cared that i was rotting away in my own skin. i've pushed away everyone i had ever loved. Devon said i'm a numb person. Devon said a lot of things. now he's gone.

i don't know how to love Mike. it's painful, and it's beautiful. sometimes i don't even want to do it. sometimes i hate him. i'll never be able to conform to what he wants. i'm never going to be someone's baby. i'll never be able to accept forever.

i still see things. i wish i knew what they were saying. i get smotheringly drunk, and i still can't make them go away.

i'm considering finally telling my story. i'm afraid it will be what kills me.

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4:20 am

i've reached a new unfamiliar low. i'm so alone it hurts.